Wow! It’s August already!
At the beginning of the summer I wrote about our daughter coming home for the summer to study for the Bar. She took the three-day exam at the end of July, and then immediately started the process of moving. It’s been a big summer for her!
We have spent the last week moving her to her first “official” job, – although as some of you know through this blog, she interned every summer during both her college and law school years. Our house has looked like a storage place since she came home to study. We had all of her bins from school out in our living room, with new bins upstairs that she used to pack her “childhood” things into. We had her rowing machine in our family room, and our dining room table housed her breakable things, in short, we have been in a sort of transition stage.
I woke up two days ago with this epiphany: This is it! She is moving on with her life, and from now on, she will simply be “visiting” us… a wonderful accomplishment for her, but not so great for me as her mother! Her bedroom here now houses only has personal mementos: high school newspapers from her years as a reporter and editor, U.I.L. awards, fiction she wrote, history and science papers and projects, all things that probably mean more to me than they do to her. (She’s still young, with the passing of time she may just find that those things do indeed matter to her!)
Her life is going just as she planned. She will be working in a job she truly wants, she’ll be able to see her college roommate who will still be in Austin for another half year, and she will be living close enough to our home that she can visit when she wants, but far away so that we can’t just drop in when we want. (She hasn’t said the last part of that sentence, but I’m not so old that I can’t remember what it was like to be her age!)
So, with her moving out – and on with her life – it will be a time for the rest of us to adjust to our new family structure. My husband and I will slowly convert into the role my parents held all the years since I graduated from college and moved on with my life. It’s a cycle that is inevitable, one which I would much prefer reversing, but unfortunately, in all things related to time, cannot.
readerdiane says
Well she can always come home for dinner & a movie night, If it gets too late, she still has a bed.
My daughters & significant others come for dinner & games. We can drink good wine & I don’t worry about them driving because they spend the night.
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Readerdiane, unfortunately, our daughter will be living about eighty miles from us, a little too late for a drop-in. But, I am looking forward to weekend visits.
It’s great that your daughters live so close, isn’t it? I hope our daughter will be able to always live this close. I know, first hand, how far parents can live from their children. It was always a big event when we visited my parents, who lived in a different state most of my adult life.
Deb says
Bless you, Danna, she’s embarking eagerly on a new phase of her life, and it’s hard for those left behind. On the other hand, it’s a new phase of life for you, and eventually it will be as exciting as hers promises to be. And you will have a new adult friend who is also your daughter. Good luck to all of you!
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Thank you, Deb. I think the oddest thing will be to know she is an adult who is responsible for her own finances. Weird!
Carrie says
At least she will be living closer to you now and if she doesn’t come home often enough you will have to arrange to meet for lunch or shopping trips and see each other that way.
It will be strange for a while, but not only will you get used to it, you will also find that your relationship changes and matures in to a new, lovely and satisfying relationship.
On another topic … am I the only one who is glued to their television watching the Olympics? I’m afraid my reading will suffer this month as I’m watching all the coverage from London that I can.
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Carrie, we went to a restaurant the other day where the hostess wanted to seat us in the Olympics-watching room. We were one of three families who chose to sit in the quieter non-Olympics room. You are not alone! If anything, we are in the minority where it comes to watching the Olympics.
tea4katie says
Ahh…you are so right…bitter and sweet. The joy of sending her off well suited to tackle the challenges of life, but the sorrow of the family unit changing! Takes a little adjusting! Blessings to all!
Danna - cozy mystery list says
tea4katie, you are so right about the joy of sending our children out well-suited for life’s challenges. Thank you!
Ann says
It’s a difficult transition time. I’m fortunate that I look after my grandchildren during the week so get to see my daughter and her family most days.
Ann
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Ann, I don’t know how you get any writing done while watching your grandchildren during the week!
linda says
Danna, When I keep my 2 little greatgrandchildren, the 2 year old will take a nap. But the 4 year old doesn’t always want to. Reminds of the TV commerical where the kids are saying “No naps!!” But naps or not, he has to have a quiet time. Or maybe it’s grandma who needs the quiet time.
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Linda, I remember when my children were that young. I used their nap times to catch up on cross stitching. I miss those days!
Maria (BearMountainBooks) says
Trust me, it is better this way than if she was undecided, unmotivated and unwilling to move out…
:>)
What a great accomplishment for all of you. Congrats!!!
Danna - cozy mystery list says
You are not kidding, Maria!
Regina says
Danna, This is a difficult time for you. Your little bird is about to spread her wings, but she will not be too far from you. For years my husband and I enjoyed the luxury of having our 3 children and 4 grandchildren close at hand. About 14 years ago our youngest daughter ‘s husband accepted ajob transfer to Denver. It was so hard to see them leave, but we managed to visit them often in our younger days amd they came East in the summer. The children are now Coloradians. That is so hard to accept. We try.
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Regina, when we moved to Texas we continued visiting my parents every summer (in Colorado Springs). We loved the Denver Zoo, and the Denver Museum of Nature and Science… not to mention the relief from these terribly hot and humid summer days down here.
And, cell phones make the distance almost disappear!
Donna says
It sounds like you are a very close, caring family. I suspect you and your daughter will develop an even closer, although different, relationship now that she is officially an adult! In some ways that will be even better than before. I’m in a transitional stage now too, and a bittersweet one, as a caregiver for both parents. I’m learning that it is so important to cherish every day together, every moment, as a family.
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Donna, I know how difficult it is to see one’s parents moving into the time in their lives when we need to care for them. I have to go up to Colorado Springs in September to take care of some things for my mother. Both my sister and I have suggested she move closer to us, but so far she is insisting that her friends in Colorado Springs are people she simply is not willing to give up. It makes it more difficult for me to coordinate her long term insurance, her daily caregiver, etc., but she refuses to move down to San Antonio or Chicago (my sister’s home).
linda says
Danna, It is very hard when your children move away but just try to make the times when your daughter is home on visits special. These visit don’t always have to be a big celebration, just enough to let her know how much you love and how much you miss her.
Also make sure that now you, yourself, can make a different life for yourself. Your whole family will benefit.
Danna - cozy mystery list says
I know, Linda. My daughter and I are extremely close, and I cherish the time we spend together. At the same time, I am trying to hold back a little, since I would probably spend more time with her in Austin than she might want…
linda says
Danna, it is hard to know when to let go. We have to decide when we want to see our kids if they want to see us. If we want to see them do they want to see us? This is a very insecure time for parents. Are we butting into their lives? Don’t we trust them to make the right decisions? Do they think we don’t want them “bothering” us anymore?
All we can do is try to make our grown up kids know that “we know” they are grown up, that we love them, are very proud of them and that we are still here for them whenever they need us to be. It’s tough letting our kids go!!
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Linda, you’re right… I don’t want to become a pest!
linda says
Danna, It’s hard to know what the right things are when dealing with adult children. We try to raise our kids to be strong independent adults but then we can get a little out of sorts at times thinking that they don’t need us anymore. I guess we can only hope that our kids will see that we understand that we want them to run their own lives, we still want to be a part of their lives as well as wanting our kids to be a part of our lives. It’s hard.
I can very well remember when my son died how much I would have liked for my mother to still have been around to kind of help me through that horrible time.
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Linda, I can only imagine how difficult and horrible that time was. I can certainly identify with how wonderful it would have been had your mom been able to help you through that time.
Bonnie says
Danna,
It is hard to let them go, and to start their own lives. My oldest was 18 years old when she told us she was moving in with her boyfriend. Dad had a fit and hit the roof and I had to let her go. Thankfully it didn’t last long she came back, went to work and met a very nice man. To our joy they are going to be married in October, hopefully it will be on Halloween. They both like Halloween. I have to say I feel like I will be losing her again. Now if I could just get the younger one out?
Bonnie
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Oh, Bonnie, how wonderful that your daughter met a “very nice man” who she wants to spend the rest of her life with! A Halloween wedding sounds like fun!
Susan C says
I was moved to read about your daughter. I was in the situation recently of going on holiday without my eldest son for the first time. We’ve been going to a small seaside village in Norfolk since before my husband and i were even married and after we were engaged we used to walk along the sea front and imagine two little boys running ahead of us (strange how i knew we’d have boys). This year my fifteen year old decided that Norfolk is boring and stayed behind with friends. All the way there i was trying not to cry, remembering how it seemed only yesterday that i had imagined my sons before they were even born. Worse still was remembering how stressed i used to get every year (we stay in a caravan and have to take EVERYTHING with us and constantly clean up after wet sandy boys and dogs and often we follow people that didn’t clean up behind them, not to mention the Great British weather)! Knowing that that time had passed (and oh, how quickly) and that i hadn’t made the most of it made me feel so sad and guilty. What am i going to be like when it comes to them leaving home?
Any hoo, i just wanted to let you know that as i live with severe depression and anxiety, finding your site has been a God send. Disappearing into all of these cozy mysteries has been wonderfully calming and i would’nt have known about most of them without you.
Many thanks for all of your hard work. X
Danna - cozy mystery list says
Susan C, I think all of us (parents) find times when we feel “sad and guilty” about how we handled different situtations when our children were younger. I know I do! That’s not to say that we didn’t do our best, and always put them in the forefront of our thoughts and activities.
Our family has lots and lots of family movies that are pretty much only our son and daughter, going through different stages of their lives. I must admit that watching these movies make me sad. Whenever I do watch them, I find myself left with a sort of feeling of emptiness… a longing to go back to those days, when they were both little. But, of course, I can’t.
I suspect that some day, in the future, your son will regret not going with you on your trip. It may not be until he is a parent, but he will no doubt think back and wonder if staying behind with his friends was really all that important. He’ll some day realize that friends come and go, but family remains…
linda says
Susan, What a wonderful story you told all of us. Your kids will move on, not doubt about it. But just trust in yourself that you did the best job that you could to raise well adjusted responsible children and they will eventually realize that. They will remember that always. And when the times come for them to need their mother, they will be there at your doorstep. Just believe that.
Susan C says
Dear Danna and Linda,
Thanks for your replys, they were very comforting, and Danna, we too have lots of home movies and I can’t watch them at all any more. It was such a relief to know that i’m not the only one who feels that way. X